Saturday, December 20, 2008

An Explanation of Wall Décor

She didn’t believe in photographs. Just the frames, outlining white space on the wall next to the fireplace. The other walls weren’t dirtied enough—the residual smoke from preceding fires fingerprinting pigments of soot into shadows of clouds. The frames were of all sizes. Two, bordered like windows, set the scene for the others, and smaller rectangular ones, antique ones with the paint chipped at the corners, sporadically sat upon a grayscale landscape. The woman had asked her, Why just the frames, and then commented on how the place seemed comfortable. Her answers to that repeated question changed monthly, depending on the barometer. Sometimes, the obvious, was because the UV rays would cause degradation of the photographs. In August she enjoyed explaining her childhood fear of haunted portraits, as, from any vantage point, she could have sworn that the shaded gazes seemed to trace each of her past steps, and know each she was to attempt before she had even decided. But her favorite reply, the one she clung to until her hair turned, was that she had lost all of her belongings in a horrific house fire, the only surviving items being her keyring and mantle clock. Ever since, she refused to develop any visual representation, any photograph, for fear of suffering yet another loss of them. She answered, this again, standing by the mantle, feeling the warmth of the flames and avoiding looking directly into the pit so as not to burn any image of red, of amber, of blue, onto the backs of eyelids closed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This rocked my socks! The depth of meaning, the vivid imagery, the persona you created, the style...everything. Awesome. "feeling the warmth of the flames and avoiding looking directly into the pit so as not to burn any image of red, of amber, of blue, onto the backs of eyelids closed."
Gave me chills!

But you asked me not to pull any punches, so here's some (hopefully) constructive criticism.

You kind of tripped me up at the beginning. First, my inner grammarian was screaming "fragment" at the second sentence...art trumps the rules, I know, but my brain still wants a real verb in that sentence. Then the third sentence also distracted me. I still don't fully understand "The other walls weren't dirtied enough," even though I love the description especially in the second half of that line about the smoke's fingerprints. I think it's supposed to be more insight into her personality, but I got hung up on figuring it out and it prevented me from getting into the story at first.
You say two of them "bordered" like windows...I think "with borders like windows" is more straightforward, albeit less stylish. You say right after that "set the scene for the others, and smaller rectangular..." I think that "and" needs to be trimmed and maybe put a colon there because you are seeming to list and describe "the others."

The next two-thirds of the story you really hit your stride. I like the dialogue with the woman...I loved the haunted photo explanation and of course the trademark of this piece, the house fire explanation, and I also love the UV ray thingy, but I think the word choice is just a bit off. I can't think of a better way to say it at the moment, but "degradation through the glass and onto the photographs" didn't quite seem right, but i know what you mean.
My last annoying little critique is from the last line, which is practically musical as is. But I had a few nitpicky suggestions. I say take out the first comma and then use "but" instead of and, then split up the line there. You decide:
Yours:
"She answered, this again, standing by the mantle, feeling the warmth of the flames and avoiding looking directly into the pit so as not to burn any image of red, of amber, of blue, onto the backs of eyelids closed."
Mine:
"She answered this again, standing by the mantle, feeling the warmth of the flames but avoiding looking directly into the pit. She couldn't stand to burn any image of red, of amber, of blue, onto the backs of eyelids closed."

Most of my suggestions are about single words or grammar issues and are real nitpicky...but in my humble opinion, they could make it even better.

U Rock! ;)
Hope you have a Merry Christmas!
I'm about to create a blog, so I'll keep you posted...pun intended.

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